


This Is Not America

by lei_che_sogna



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-21
Updated: 2010-08-21
Packaged: 2017-10-21 08:57:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/223388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lei_che_sogna/pseuds/lei_che_sogna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nobody <em>had</em> to write it, but I did and here it is. This is a cautionary tale about what happens when you don't think Britpicking is important.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Is Not America

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I remember reading someone complaining about the Americanisms that crop up habitually in _Sherlock_ fic. Then I read [this post](http://community.livejournal.com/sherlockbbc/326328.html) and I extend grateful thanks to every commenter there for making this so easy for me. The title is of course from the David Bowie/Pat Metheny Group song of the same name.

It was a nice day in England but John Watson, MD was stuck in his apartment. He was on his laptop, working on TurboTax.

“Shit man, it’s almost April 15th!!!! Taxes are so expensive, what am I gonna do!?”

“Quit your bitchin’!” Sherlock said. “Everyone knows that married people have to pay less taxes than regular people. Besides you’re always saying we have to pay those hospital bills from that one time we almost died when I shot that bomb vest thing. So if you’re worried, you can always marry me.”

“No, Sherlock, I can’t marry you. Not for cheaper taxes, or even for health insurance.”

“Whatchoo talkin ‘bout! Why not?”

“Are you crazy? I’m not gonna marry you Sherlock!”

“Is it cuz you don’t love me?” Sherlock looked totally sad. It was like his heart was breaking or something.

“What! No way! I’ve had a major crush on you for, like, ever,” John said, grabbing Sherlock’s hands and holding them tight. “You so complete me.”

“Dude! What’s your malfunction then?” Sherlock said, tossing his curly hair back from where it had fallen into his eyes which were the color of the sky on a really nice day with no clouds. Basically they were super blue.

“I know it was so hard for you to pretend to be straight when you were in the army and all but I’m here for you now. You don’t gotta hide your true self anymore.”

“I ain’t scared of nobody! I’m just not marrying you and having it be all fake. I just wanna know that you, like, mean it. For reals.”

“Are you kidding!? I love you more than anything else ever. More than my skull. Even more than Fall Out Boy.”

They kissed on the mouth with with tongues and it was way hot. Then Sherlock touched John’s butt, feeling it through his pants.

“OMG! Where’s your underwear! I had no idea you went commando! Lemme see,” he said, reaching for John’s zipper.

“What! Not until we’re married Sherlock!”

And Sherlock was all, “Fine I guess I can wait but we seriously have to get married right away.”

Mrs. Hudson made them tea and cookies to celebrate because she was so happy for them. She wanted to throw them a shower and invite Mrs. Turner’s gays from next door and then they could be gay best friends and go clubbing together.

“Maybe later,” Sherlock said. “We’ve gotta go do something right now but we’ll be back in time for dinner.”

“I’ll fix you some French fries and fish sticks, OK?” Mrs. Hudson asked.

“OK see ya later,” John said and they skipped downstairs holding hands.

They went down the sidewalk to the parking lot where Sherlock’s Escalade was parked.

“C’mon baby let’s jump in my car and rotate these tires.”

“Oh yeah! Road trip!”

They drove away from London in Sherlock’s red Escalade, heading for Gretna Green where they could get married without a license.

They’d just gotten there 20 minutes later (it would’ve been sooner but they had to stop for gas) when a man in one of those checkered skirt things came out of this totally cute wedding chapel .

“Hey there!” he waved. “You look like you’re in love! I can help you! I’m a real minister who can marry people!”

“Righteous, man! We want you to gay marry us right now!!!!”

“OK,” said the man. His name was William like that guy in Braveheart.

They had the most romantic wedding ever. Sherlock put a ring on it so John was now Mr. John Holmes. The ring was an 18kt rose gold ring that said ‘I Love You’ on it from Tiffany’s. It was totally fetch. John couldn’t wait to show it to that chick Sarah who was like some kinda nurse at his work. She was gonna be soooo jealous!

“Let’s go have sex now,” Sherlock said. “I stuck a jumbo box of Trojans in the trunk of the Escalade.”

“What about Mrs. Hudson’s French fries? You know she puts Tabasco on them. It makes them taste so good.”

“London’s only 15 mins. away from Scotland,” Sherlock said. “We have tons of time. And look, there’s a Radisson right here!”

They checked into the Honeymoon Suite at the Radisson. It had this giant bed that wasn’t even regular bed-shaped; it was like a circle instead! It was the coolest bed John had ever seen.

“This is the coolest bed I have ever seen,” said John.

Then they started making out. Sherlock pulled off John’s ugly sweater and threw it on the floor. They got all the way to third base when someone busted open the door.

It was the real John Watson and Sherlock Holmes. The real John got out his highly illegal pistol and shot the author in the head. Through the fic. Sherlock was impressed, but then John always had been an excellent shot.

AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.


End file.
